The Lead Suit

 So far, this spring has been rough.  It teases us with a sunny day here and there, but then it goes back to cold, dreary rain.  As the dampness continue to invade, it's hard to prevent it from clouding my heart and soul.  Having struggled with depression and anxiety for the last 10 years or so, I've come to expect the transition from winter to spring to be a struggle.  Yet, each year it's a heaviness I dread.  

Ice photo by my hubby! tomotte imaging

It starts with a feeling of stirring in my soul.  Like a stove with a boiling pot of water, my anxiousness rolls within my chest.  It is like a current of electricity that flows through my body that seems to only be relieved through constant movement; jiggling my leg, clicking my pen, crying my eyes out or yelling at my poor family. 

On top of the stirring, there is a contrary force of heaviness which I've notoriously named the Lead Suit.  I compare it to the lead apron the dentist lays on your chest for x-rays, except it's an entire suit that weighs heavily on my frame. Contrary to the anxiousness, the depression makes me heavy and hard to move.  I want to hide under my covers, sit on the couch, isolate myself and eat chocolate.  These two conflicting actions push on me and out from me.  I feel like climbing the walls, but don't have the energy to do so.  It's very tiring and emotional.

In order to battle the boiling chest and shed the lead suit, I have a steps I need to take in order to make it through.  If I follow these steps to take care of myself, I not only survive the season, but may even thrive during the transition.  Depression is a whole person disorder, meaning I need to treat my whole person; physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Physical Care

I cringe even as I write this because this step is probably the one I have the hardest time following!  I know I'd feel better by the end of the day if I:

• Eat nutritionally - I need to avoid caffeine, sugar and comfort eating. Whole foods like fresh fruits and veggies fuel me up.  Sugar and fats drag me down. (Oh, I will miss you, beloved chocolate!)
• Exercise daily - I don't need to do vigorous 50 minute exercise videos every day in order to count it valuable. Even just a leisurely walk gets fresh air in my lungs and revives me.
• Sleep routinely - Going to bed on time avoids anxious nights and improves my mood.
• Take my medication - I have come to accept that needing to take medication to battle my depression and anxiety is okay! AND it helps.

Emotional Care

Emotions run wild during depressive episodes, just ask my husband! But when I care for myself emotionally, I can often avoid major breakdowns or give myself grace when I do. I know I'll feel better emotionally if I:

• Go see a counselor - Sometimes I need a professional to help me sort out things. An outside view can give me great perspective.
• Journal my thoughts - When I'm overwhelmed, writing out my thoughts and emotions helps me process and decompress. Then I close the notebook and go on with my day. Very helpful!
• What fills and drains my tank? - This one I'll go into more another time, but basically this is what it means. Before doing any activity, I ask myself, "Will this fill or drain my tank (my heart and soul)?" I need to set reasonable expectations and allow myself to change my mind about what fills and drains me. Babysitting = drain. Playing cards with Nora = fill. Grocery shopping = drain. Caring for my chickens = fill. So I need to make sure I have more filling things in my schedule than draining things so I don't empty myself.  Tricky, but important.
•  Just say no - Draining things need to be limited. I just can't do as much when I'm depressed.  So, I practice in front of the mirror; "No, I can't bake cookies for the bake sale", "No , I can't head up that committee right now", etc. Then when I get that phone call I just say no. Healthy boundaries are especially important while wearing the Lead Suit.
• Avoid isolation - Even though it goes against my feelings, I need to keep around people in order to keep emotionally healthy. Now, not just anybody will do.  In fact, the wrong type of people can add weight to my Lead Suit. I need SAFE friends and family around me who build me up and encourage me gently.  The people who don't understand depression or drain me get a back seat for a while until I recover.

Spiritual Care

Having grown up in an alcoholic family, I have the Twelve Steps embedded in my mind.  Although I used to mock the Twelve Steps (as well as the Serenity Prayer) I've found they really makes a lot of sense when applied to any type of struggle.  I especially like to repeat the first three steps to myself:

• Pray these steps: - This I got straight from AA's Big Book:
• I can't - I admit I am powerless in overcoming my depression on my own.
• God can - Only a Power greater than myself can restore my sanity.
• Let Him! - I turn my will/life over to God's care.  

• Focus on the positive, avoid the negative - I need to read/think/watch/listen to uplifting and encouraging things during depressive times.  Everything from movies to the internet to books need to be things that uplift me, not drag me down.  Now is not the time to read "Of Mice and Men" or watch "Saving Private Ryan".
• Post encouraging quotes - I have quotes that encourage me taped inside my cupboards and medicine cabinets.  Most are Bible verses, but some are from people like Corrie Tenboom, Abraham Lincoln and others.  I also have cards that my sweet friends and family have written to me.  Encouraging!
• Spend time alone - Although I just wrote above that I don't want to isolate myself, I do have to acknowledge that one of the big fillers of my tank is time alone.  Being a home-school family, time alone is nearly impossible!  Good boundaries help in achieving this for myself.
• Rely on God's grace - When I'm depressed, I have a hard time focusing on prayer and Bible reading.  One year, I pretty much could only read Psalm 143 over and over again. God's grace will sustain me during this time.  He is with me in the valley and I know He loves me and gives me the grace and mercy I need to persevere during this trial. 

Depression and anxiety are difficult loads to bear.  They are a whole person disorder that effect you physically, emotionally and spiritually.  Maybe you know someone who struggles with this or you yourself are struggling.  You are not alone.  Get the help you need and ask for help.  I hope these steps will help you bear your depression and anxiety.  Leave your comments below and forward this to someone you know who might need them.  

Remember, You can't, God can, so let Him!